Relationships coach and Local Mum Pascale Lane blogs for us about everything to do with relationships and wellbeing.
Why self-care is not a luxury, it’s essential
I know as mums, this is something that so many of us struggle with… But it’s something which I instil and talk about all the time, because I absolutely know the value of looking after yourself and keeping those batteries fully charged
I once heard somebody say that mothers are the battery pack of the family… I love it this so much because it is so perfectly true!
We run the family… (Most of the time …I understand this is a sweeping statement, but the majority of women do the majority of work in terms of childcare and running a home and that’s just how it is).
So if you consider I remote control, or any device when the battery isn’t running… It’s responses are inconsistent. It’s temperamental. It just doesn’t work properly.
And it is absolutely no different for us.
If our energy is low, our care and our response is inconsistent. Our resilience is low. We don’t give a proper care and attention because we are exhausted
We might snap or shout or say ‘no’ more often than we would otherwise.
Not only is this inconsistent for us but it’s also inconsistent for our loved ones.
Our children’s behaviour becomes more fractious and unpredictable as we in turn are fractious and unpredictable, and this is ultimately more hard work and upsetting for everyone
So… What can you do about it??
1. Accept the fact that you are not a machine and that you need to look after yourself for the benefit of yourself, of course, but for the benefit of everyone else.
A lot of mums really struggle with this concept, but if you are always putting yourself at the bottom of the pile, how much weight can you carry on your back before you fall to your knees?
Whatever your idea of self-care is, learn to accept that this is a vital part of motherhood and a vital part of loving your family. It is essential.
2. Identify what self-care actually means to you. The range for this is huge because we all have different ideas of how we want to look after ourselves and what our idea of care is.
So this might mean pampering yourself, nails, hair, massage … It might mean exercising, meditating, going out for a walk or having time for yourself in some way or another.
I personally love to get up in the morning before anybody else is up and hit the yoga mat for half an hour. It sets-up my brain and my body for the day… You might choose to put half an hour aside to read… Literally, whatever works for you… Do that.
3. Limiting toxic relationships
Self care might mean also limiting time with people who are not good for you. This is something I talk about a lot in the work that I do. Setting boundaries for yourself in terms of toxic relationships is an enormous part of self-care and definitely not one to be underestimated.
The damaging effect of people in your life who either drain you of energy, have you questioning your worth or value, gas-light you or criticise, judge and devalue you, simply don’t deserve your time and energy.
The hard part about toxic relationships is that unfortunately they can come from close ‘friends’ and family members… And that’s why it’s sometimes so hard to see how these people are.
But ask yourself this… Does this person make you feel good about yourself? Do you come away from conversations or meetings doubting yourself, questioning your ability?
Or maybe you just feel flat and low.
It’s always worth checking I was having an awareness. We can’t always completely disengage from these relationships but we can emotionally and physically step back so bear that in mind next time somebody who is meant to love and care for you has you questioning your worth.
4. Know who the people are who feed your soul
You may have one, two or maybe a handful…
They may be right under your nose or they may be people that you don’t even really think about as champions for you.
But just as in the point above, consider who are the people that make you feel wonderful.
Who are the people who, without realising it, fill you with confidence and a sense of gratitude and happiness
Make a mental note of who these people are because these are the ones that you want to spend time with. These are the people who really matter.
I am so lucky to have people like this in my life, and an afternoon or evening spent with a good friend is often the best recipe of self-care I can give myself
Remember this…!!
Feeling good about yourself makes you feel good about those around you.
Looking after yourself means you look after those around you.
Being kind to yourself means being kind to others around you.
Self-care is not a luxury, it is essential
What is your favourite way of practising self-care?
Pascale x
Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled
Contact:
Pascale Lane (MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk
You can’t be everything to everyone else and leave nothing to yourself
You’ve worked so hard to get to the position that you’re in now at work… It’s wonderful and you love it…
But it doesn’t come without hard work and the occasional pang of self doubt, fear of judgement
Nor the occasional desire to jack it all in for an easier life running a Bijoux coffee shop in your local village
You love your role and the camaraderie… Not to mention the lifestyle but it provides you and your family
But when you get home you’re going full on into mummy mode and there too, you often feel equally as exhausted… full of self doubt… fear of judgement… but for a whole load of different reasons
“Am I spending enough time with them”?
“Am I doing enough with them”?
“Why did I shout like that”?
“I don’t spend enough time with my husband…
…Let alone time or energy for the fun stuff between the sheets”
And what about you? Where are you in all of this?
Where does time for yourself fit in, outside of the office or the four cosy walls of home?
Don’t get me wrong, you love it all… you just want more…
More recognition in the office
The ability and confidence to speak up and be seen and heard
To have things done at home without having to ask for them…
I mean, it’s not rocket science is it… It’s the same stuff that needs to be done every single day
Something’s gotta give before you burn out
What you don’t realise is that it’s all there for you to have…
And once you accept that something needs to change .. you just need to put on those girl pants and lead the way
And that’s where I’m here to help you
Together we get to identify the changes that you need
Acknowledging all your incredible skills .. everything that you have achieved and everything that makes you so wonderfully you
And identifying the bits that need to go or just need a bit of tweaking to make life a little bit easier for you
So that there is room for you to grow
To shine brighter
Room for you to be the epically wonderful woman that you are
My unique blend of therapeutic coaching will help you to do just this
Because I’ve been there… Lord knows I understand your pain
And frustration
And together we will create something incredible
Pascale xx
Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled
Contact:
Pascale Lane (MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk
How to turn a bad morning into a great day in under five minutes…
This comes from the heart today because this was my morning
It had all started out completely fine; I got up, did my yoga routine, got the girls up and everything was going fine…
But the inevitable blackhole of time that is somewhere between 08.00 and 08.30 often seems to sneak up on me from out of nowhere and poke me on the behind
We don’t have these mornings very often anymore but today I was definitely caught off guard
Two little girls very reluctant to go to school this morning and their ability to procrastinate and drag their feet is really quite reward-worthy
Nonetheless, I wasn’t laughing much this morning as the time to leave the house came and went and shoes were still not on feet, cardigans and coats not on bodies and bags not by the front door…
The moaning drone of the husband daring to tell me not to shout as I was rather overly enthusiastically encouraging the girls to get ready… ok, let’s be honest… shouting! But, in my defence, we have the same routine five days a week… And it’s not like any of it comes as a surprise… and really and truthfully there’s no reason at all to be so unready at 08.30 on a Monday morning!
Eldest had started crying saying she didn’t want to go to school and at that moment, the penny dropped and the stomach churn began as I realised that all of this was just about something else… it wasn’t necessary for me to get into a battle with her about why she wasn’t ready but to identify and acknowledge the fact that she was worried about something and this was a symptom of a bigger issue
… Not for the youngest… She is hopelessly disorganised and I’m surprised she remembers to put her shoes on half the time!
After a slight to and fro getting to the car, realising it was too late to walk and that we now had to drive, I realise there was no way I was sending my children into school feeling like this
My chaos is not their chaos nor vice versa
It is my job to keep them calm in the storm and help them maintain the balance… Not whip it up even more and then send them off to manager alone
Time to breathe! Take stock of what is happening… Adjust and re-centre
Here’s what I did
Take a moment to stop and work out what’s going on. This isn’t how I want it to be for them or for me.
Taking a moment to calm myself and just step out of the situation, even just for a few seconds, can make all the difference in the world.
It’s only the school run… This is not a life crisis. She is upset because she is trying to avoid something and it’s important to be able to offer compassion and understanding and the situation
Apologise. There will never be a time where I don’t offer an apology to my children. If I have behaved in a way that is insensitive or inappropriate, they get an apology.
Why? Because it’s important to live by the rules that I set. This is not a case of do as I say not as I do (very occasionally it is but this is not one of them).
If I cannot control my emotions then how can I expect them to do the same?
Own it and be accountable for it.
Talk about what we need to do differently tomorrow. Acknowledge all the times it works well and how great we feel on those days.
What are we doing differently? Let’s decide together how we’re going to get it right from here onwards.
Set the tone for the day. What is happening today that we feel excited or thankful for? What do we need to acknowledge and speak about.
What can we share with each other that puts us in the right mood for the day ahead??
And of course, reinforcing to them how loved they are and that I am responsible for my reactions not them but that we all get it wrong sometimes and that’s ok too...
Pascale xx
Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled
Contact:
Pascale Lane (MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk
Three easy ways to establish healthy boundaries
1. If you want to say 'No' to a request but you feel you should say 'Yes', ask yourself... am I doing this to please the other person, because I don't want to upset or offend them, because its just easier to do it... or something similar...
If you are putting someone else’s needs above your own for the *wrong reasons, you are putting them ahead of yourself and actually telling yourself that you don’t matter.
2. Make time for self-care... this is not a luxury. This is about making sure your battery is charged and maintained. Practicing regular self-care means that you are resilient, motivated, energised and compassionate... for yourself as well as those around you.
Allow yourself the time and space you need to do the things to keep you on top form... whatever that looks like... Make the time.
3. Speak up for yourself. Be honest and open about your feelings. If something upsets you or makes you feel uncomfortable.. say so. If you have a query, ask it. If you would rather someone else does the job or task, say so.
Speaking up and letting others know what is going on in your mind isn't just about having a voice... its also about showing others how you wish to be treated... they are not mind-readers so it is up to you to make sure you are heard.
Boundaries are so important for everything… They help us to improve our self confidence, improve our emotional and physical well-being as well as improve our relationships.
Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled
Contact:
Pascale Lane (MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk
Burnout
This month I am thinking about burnout, particularly among working mothers.
While it is absolutely fantastic to be a mother, a gift given to many, but also denied to some, being a working mother does not come without sacrifices.
Being a young woman in the early 2000s, amongst the rise of feminism in the era of Sex and the City and sexual liberation, it was easy to think that we could have it all…
A fantastic career, a wonderful family, enough money to shop when we wanted to and enough time to go out and socialise with our friends and create a life that others dreamed of.
Now, in my mid 40s, as a working mum of two, I realise that such dreams are somewhat unrealistic.
While time management has never been my great strength, running my own business and being the primary caregiver and home organiser, does not come without sacrifices.
The overwhelming majority of working mothers that I speak to, both in a professional capacity and amongst my friends and peers, relate massively to this.
This is not a hero complex, it’s just the way it is.
Running a business or being an employee with huge dreams of personal and professional growth is tricky to say the least.
Please don’t misunderstand me… I choose to be the one who does the school pick ups and the first person my children come to when they are upset.
However, the risk of burnout has been something that I, and so many others, encroach all too often.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
We need to have a much more honest conversation about flexible working, career progression and family demands.
We are entering into a time where gender equality, parental roles and flexible working are on the table for discussion…
And yet, having these conversations for many, still feels like such a stigma.
I would love to know your thoughts on this… Because I know this is the reality for so many others.
And whilst it isn’t necessarily a daily problem for me, for those who are employed in a system that is largely male dominated and focusing on commitment and durability, it remains a massive problem.
Being a working mother does not have to be met with personal sacrifice or ill health.
Let’s start the conversation and let’s change the landscape for ourselves and for our future generation.
Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled
Contact:
Pascale Lane (MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk
September
Mum Guilt vs Time Freedom
Giving up my social work career four years ago was one of the hardest decisions I’d ever made.
I was already working my side business as a therapist and it was doing really well…
But giving up a guaranteed income and all of the benefits that go with working for a local authority was a big deal.
The life of a self-employed business owner is not for the faint hearted!
It looks like it’s all sunshine and roses on the outside, but the reality is that it is an absolute rollercoaster.
I spend equal, if not more, marketing my business, learning new skills, developing strategy and massively working on my mindset as I do working with my clients.
There are many sleepless nights worrying about money and about what is waiting around the next corner.
When I am working it feels relentless.
Easy when the girls are at school as I only work school hours, but during the school holidays, if I’m not working I’m not earning… It’s a simple as that.
My children have to share me with not only all of my clients, but also with my laptop and phone!
Mum Guilt is real.
Not just for me but for every mother that is, has been and will be.
And yet I wouldn’t change a single minute of it.
The reward of being able to work and choose my hours around my children is seconnd to none.
Yes, of course I want to work less hours and spend more time with them, especially over school holidays!
And that time will come! No doubt about it…
But I have a job that I absolutely adore and I am providing my children with not only a lifestyle that is blessed, but I am also teaching them incredible life skills around learning and working.
We get to choose how we want things to be.
We get to choose what we are worth and what we deserve!
Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled
Contact:
Pascale Lane (MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk
August
How I learned to truly love and accept myself and how you can do the same in these three simple steps
Self acceptance and self love might sound easy words to read but for many they are a lifelong struggle and for many more they are never achieved.
When we learn to fully love and accept ourselves, we embrace every aspect of our personality, the good bits, the bad bits and all the bits in between….
When we accept our journey and the mistakes that we have made and choose to accept them as part of our rich and varied tapestry rather than events to lie awake at night torturing ourselves over….
Only then do we learn the cornerstone to all healthy relationships, starting of course with the one with ourselves.
Here is what you can do in order to achieve them:
1. Not everyone is going to like you and you need to be ok with that
It can be a hard pill to swallow but I can’t tell you how liberating it is to acknowledge and accept that you’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea… and nor should you be.
Let’s spin it around for a second.
Do you like everyone? No, of course you don’t. There is no one single person on this planet that is universally liked by everyone. Not even Mother Teresa.
So get used to the fact that some people aren’t going to like you and concentrate all of your effort and energy on the people who do…
They are the only ones that matter and they are the only ones you should care about.
Until you truly embody this, you can’t know how empowering it is.
2. Authenticity
Now we have acknowledged that we are not everyone’s cup of tea (they are not ours either) now we can really start to shine bright.
No need to self-edit.
No need to hold back.
Just be your gorgeous, wonderful self, knowing full well that those who love you, love all of you, and those that don’t, don’t matter!
When we are our true, authentic self it’s like someone turns the brightness up on us… I don’t really mind is a wonderful and liberating feeling
3. That being said, we don’t want to turn into arrogant little beasts either
Understanding our flaws and understanding what we need to work on in order to improve ourselves, for ourselves, is also a wonderful thing.
Self development, personal development, relationship development, call it what you will… Anything that helps us to be a better version of ourselves can only be a good thing.
When we accept our flaws and are ok with that, but are also willing to work on them and polish the good bits, everyone wins.
And after all that’s what we want…
To be the best version of ourselves, for ourselves, for those around us too.
Improving all of our relationships, starting of course with the most important one, the one with ourselves.
Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled
Contact:
Pascale Lane (MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk
July
Three reasons why forgiving yourself will always be harder than forgiving others … but why it’s essential
Generally speaking, it is far easier to forgive those around us and it is to forgive ourselves
We look at others with far more compassion and we are generally far more accepting of their mistakes that we are of ourselves
We can apply a whole layer of kindness to them…
When we hear our friends, children or loved ones speaking ill of themselves, we will be the first to wrap our arms around them and give them a whole load of reasons why they need to be kinder to themselves
And yet… Do we do the same to ourselves?
The overwhelming majority of the time the answer to that is a simple No
Learning to forgive ourselves is one of the most wonderful gifts we can give ourselves
1. When we understand how we truly got to where we are and that all of our mistakes have guided us to our present state, we learn to appreciate that the path we have carved out for ourselves was an essential part of our journey
For every micro decision we ever made, good or bad, has taught us something, and because of those lessons we are wiser and more knowledgeable
True learning happens when we make mistakes, not when we get things right
2. The burden of responsibility of carrying around all our past mistakes is incredibly tiresome.
For those that lie awake at night worrying about their bad choices, all you are doing is dulling your shine for tomorrow
That is not to say that we must be immune to the mistakes that we have made, but rather we understand the lessons for what they were and then move on
Anything that takes the shine off of our tomorrow is not worth keeping
3. Self-forgiveness encourages mental and emotional well-being and helps us to develop good relationships with others
When we allow ourselves to be set free from our past mistakes, we accept ourselves for who we are in spite of the errors we made along the way
Self-forgiveness is one of the greatest forms of self love a person can give themselves
It lets us know that we are still lovable in spite of our mistakes and in doing so helps us to accept love from others too
Ultimately that is what we want, because if we cannot love ourselves then we cannot receive it in return
When we learn to forgive ourselves, we open the door to let Love in
And that’s ultimately what we all want…
Connection with ourselves and with others.
Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled
Contact:
Pascale Lane (MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk
May
Five ways to stop the break/fix cycle once and for all
You know what it’s like. Relationships have ups and downs… Good times and bad times… And some of this is normal but for some it feels worse
It can feel exhausting, frustrating, frightening, heartbreaking
It’s the same cycle that keeps repeating itself over and over again
It’s good for a bit, and then it falls through the floor
And then it repairs for a time, but then it falls through the floor again
And every time it’s good you’re waiting for it to crash
And each time it happens, you get a tiny bit more numb
The distance between you gets a little bit bigger
Then it gets better again, but for how long
And you want it to be so different
You’re desperate for it to be so different
You long for a time when it will balance itself out… Not so that it’s perfect and wonderful, but so that you are both happy and content
Because the cycle that you are stuck in starting to feel like torture
And inside you’re screaming to be heard, seen and understood
But on the outside you’re numb… Just taking each day at a time and getting by
It doesn’t have to be like this
But you don’t think he will commit to counselling, so what’s the point in even trying…
Because doing it by yourself won’t work right?
WRONG!
You can totally make the difference all by yourself
It only takes one person to change in order to shift the relationship
1. Start by getting clear on what it is you really want.
And I don’t just mean your ‘happy ever after’, but actually really being able to identify what parts of the relationship needs to change, how do you both need to adapt in order that you both feel validated in your relationship.
Self reflection like this isn’t always easy but it is absolutely necessary. We can say that we want things to be different but until we really know how we want them to be different, we can’t start to make the changes
2. Make time to talk!
It’s just so easy to get into bad habits and the more time that passes the harder it gets. You start to make assumptions about what the other person is thinking and feeling and before long, its several weeks down the road and the gap between you is getting bigger and bigger.
And yet the solution is so simple. Just make time to talk!
Make it a non-negotiable. Put it in the diary. Whether it’s half an hour or two hours once a week, or three times a week really doesn’t matter. Just make sure that you have time set aside for you both to catch up on each other today, catch up on what’s going on for you both and to share and hash out any difficulties you’re having.
It’s a game changer, I promise
3. Really make time to listen to each other.
Waiting for a break in eachothers sentences so that you can get the next word in… With her, ‘yeah but’, or ‘that’s not fair’ or anything else
You have to make an time to actually understand what the other person is feeling as well as hearing what they’re saying, or nothing will change.
It does take practice but is invaluable once you get there
4. Make time to connect…
It doesn’t have to be chandelier swinging sex. Make the time to touch each other, hug each other, kiss each other.
A gentle touch on the arm, a holding of hands, a reassuring hug or a lingering kiss can make an enormous difference at reconnecting you both
Often this starts to feel awkward after a certain amount of time has passed, but starting slow but keeping the contact frequenct is so important
Physical affection and intimacy is an essential part of a healthy relationship.
5. Seek neutral support
This can be done on your own or together… Both are equally as successful
Sometimes we are just simply too close to the situation to be able to work ourselves out of it and that is very common and normal
The right kind of support can make a world of difference to you, so even if you think that your partner will not be interested, it doesn’t mean that you can’t make a start by yourself
Find somebody who you feel comfortable with, who you feel connected with and able to share your story with.
You would seek help for any other kind of problem so why hesitate when it comes to the most important problem at all… Your relationship, your happiness and your future x
Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled
Contact:
Pascale Lane (MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk
April
The 5 languages of Love
I love talking about the 5 Languages of Love, but not just how we recognise our own love languages, how we love to give and receive love.
I think it’s also important to think about how our Love Languages can hurt us and how intentionally and unintentionally they can cause harm.
Let me explain...
If your love language is words of affirmation, hearing words like I love you, you’re wonderful, you’re beautiful, will make you feel happy and valued. You will often use these words as an expression of your love to a partner and child, but when words are used harshly, either in criticism or in an argument, they will cut deeply and leave lasting wounds.
If your love language is gifts, then you will love to both buy and receive gifts from a loved one and this will be a natural expression of love. However, if significant events such as birthdays or anniversaries are forgotten, this will be more significant for you than for someone who has gifts as a low priority of their love language.
If acts of service is your love language, you will love to do things for your partner and take to heart small actions of care, such as bringing you cups of tea, filling your car with petrol or doing a small task that you have been meaning to do but I haven’t had the time to do. When someone creates more time things for you to do because of their thoughtless behaviour, this feels hurtful and may leave you feeling disrespected.
If touch is your love language then hugs, kisses, sex and other demonstrations of love will be very important to you, but any kind of touch that is inappropriate or hurtful will undoubtably leave bruises on the inside and be hurtful to your overall well-being. This also includes having touch withheld from you as a form of punishment.
If quality time is your love language, you would appreciate time with your loved ones over and above anything else. Gifts and words of affirmation may not be anywhere near as important to you as being able to spend time, uninterrupted with people that you love. If this time isn’t valued by your loved ones, if your partner is not present, because they are on their phone or devices, if you are let down at the last minute for time you have carved aside to be with them, this will affect your sense of worth and value.
Whenever I talk about the languages of love, I ask people to consider their children as well as their partners. When we talk about showing our love, we can also think about how our children like to be shown love and how we can best meet her needs. Make sense to you?
Have you taken the love language quiz? I would love to know your love language.
Please let me know!
Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled
Contact:
Pascale Lane (MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk
March
No matter the relationship, you always have a choice!
Are you stuck in a toxic relationship, either with a partner, friend or family member?
Most people will be able to relate to this as most of us have one person in their life that either drains them, creates high levels of anxiety or has them questioning their own worth and value.
It takes a great deal of self love to really be honest with yourself and examine all of your relationships and what they bring to you.
The well known theory that you are the average of the five people you spend the most amount of time with its very real and should not be taken lightly.
We all absorb the energy of those around us and whether we realise it or not, that energy can be just as negative as it is positive.
I have had several situations in my life where I have allowed people to drain me, fill me with anxiety, fill me with self doubt…
And worse than all of that… Bring out a side of me that in myself was toxic…
And negativity that goes against everything that I believe in yet with these people would flow out so naturally… Followed by crippling anxiety and uncertainty.
Removing yourself of toxic relationships it’s a very brave move.
It can be really scary and may very well have repercussions that extend further than you.
I hear stories like this all the time…
How people feel frightened to end toxic relationships because of the aftermath that will follow with friends or family…
Making them feel awkward or creating a situation that other people want to shy away from.
But the reality is very simple.
You are worthy of happiness and you are worthy of people around you who make you feel loved, supported and appreciated.
And if there is anybody in your close network that has you doubting yourself, doubting your self-worth, making you feel in any way anxious, angry or negative… you have a choice.
We all have free choice and we all have free will.
And if you need to end a toxic relationship for your own emotional well-being and sanity…. why would you hesitate to do it?
Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled
Contact:
Pascale Lane (MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk
You think that your relationship is at a critical point because you don’t know how to talk to each other without arguing… But actually, your relationship is at a critical point because you are exhausted and are neglecting your own personal needs!
Let me explain...
Some of my clients come to work with me because they feel exhausted with family life and at breaking point in their relationship. They know something needs to change but they don’t know what or how.
As the majority of my clients are mums, I am frequently reminded of the significant imbalance which goes on within the family home in terms of childcare and domestic work.
Please note (!!) This is not an attack on men… I’m just saying that in the majority of cases, the women carry the load of the childcare and housework…
More often than not they are also holding down careers and have to work this around what is already an significant domestic workload.
As women, wives and mothers, this usually means that we are not only exhausted but that we are frequently failing to look after our own needs… be those needs physical, emotional or spiritual.
Burnout simply isn’t an option, but the casualty, apart from our energy levels, it’s often our relationships.
Couples are often too tired to communicate effectively with each other, too tired to spend proper time with each other and too resentful in some cases to want to even try.
So what can you do if this is speaking volumes to you?
1. MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF
“But that’s part of the problem!” I hear you scream… Well let me be really clear about this… Not making time for yourself to recharge your batteries is probably one of the biggest failings that I see with clients.
Burning yourself out because you are so busy looking after everybody else’s needs that you are failing to look after your own, sounds like part of the job description, but actually is hindering your ability to care for your loved ones…
Doing it with your hands tied behind your back, figuratively speaking.
When we are so tired that everything feels like a battle, everything IS a battle! That includes our relationships.
Make the time to recharge your batteries … Whether that’s half an hour every day or a few hours at the weekend. Believe me, you’re doing everyone else a favour, not just you.
2. Talk to your partner about how you are feeling. Note, that’s a talk, not shout or argue. Carving out time for your relationship to be able to talk things through, good bits and bad bits, is essential for a healthy relationship and family life.
We already know that family life is difficult at times and that making time can sometimes be hard… But this is so important in order to grow together and keep the peace at home.
It doesn’t have to be an expensive night out. Commit to one night a week together to eat a meal in peace and quiet with no interruptions.
If at all possible, go out for a coffee or lunch once a week.
If you’re really lucky and you have grandparents on hand, go out for a meal or a couple of drinks.
It’s not about where you go it’s about what you do and making time to talk with each other is invaluable.
3. Be realistic about what needs to be done. Set aside time in blocks where you can do the things that you need to do for the family, also making time with the children and spending time with them as well.
I genuinely find blocking out time it’s a really great way to manage both time and expectations.
You can make the chunks as large or small as you want, but letting the kids know that you need to finish off X and you’ll be with them in 10 minutes in order to spend 15 minutes with them before you need to go back and do Y and Z works really well.
It might sound really rigid, but if you’re someone that really struggles with time management, this is a really easy and effective thing to implement.
4. Speak with your friends. Time with your friends is often the best kind of therapy you can have. Whether it be an hour long phone call or a girls night out, make the time to connect with your friends. This is invaluable and gives you a chance to be you in your fullest, best way.
Remember this: Looking after yourself is neither selfish nor unimportant!!
Making time for yourself is an essential part of self care and means that you have all the necessary energy and patience to run a happy family home.
If you would like to know more about how we can work together, I would love to speak with you for free, no pressure chat, book your call here
Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled
Contact:
Pascale Lane (MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk
February
How my client went from angry, unhappy and disconnected from her husband and children… to relaxed, present and fulfilled… By understanding her own story and changing her outlook on what was happening around her...
Jane came to me because she was so unhappy with family life… She was married with two children and like so many other mums in her situation, felt like she had completely lost her sense of self…
Her relationship had gotten stale, she was permanently exhausted from rushing around, meeting everybody’s needs in the family, working her part-time job and generally running herself into the ground.
She wasn’t taking care of herself and didn’t have the mental or physically energy to do anything more than what she was just doing at the moment.
She was shouting at the children, shouting at her husband, unable to communicate her emotions effectively and felt like life was passing her by..
She wasn’t enjoying it… merely surviving on a daily basis.
She was drinking lots of wine because that was the only way she could properly relax and shut down at the end of the night…
She knew something needed to change… She desperately wanted her relationship to be better, both with her husband and her children but she wasn’t sure where to start.
She had done counselling in the past but it hadn’t worked… They tried a few sessions together but had given up because they felt like they were just going round in circles the whole time.
She wasn’t sure if it was a phase that they would just get through but she couldn’t conceive doing anything drastic at the moment because her children were a pivotal point in their education.
Having come from a broken home herself, she didn’t want to repeat the same patterns again… But she knew that in many ways she was as she was making such an unhappy family home for her children.
Once we started working together and getting to the root of the problem, Jane realised that a lot of the behaviours that she was acting out were exactly the same as she had seen within her own parents relationship.
The arguing, the bickering, the sarcastic comments and the frosty responses that her mother would often give her father.
It pained her deeply but she just didn’t know how to stop.
She felt her husband was dismissive of her and she didn’t know how to speak to him anymore without it either turning into an argument or a frosty silence.
It didn’t actually take that many sessions for her to be able to understand how her communication style and her own story needed to change in order to make such a big difference.
She soon learnt that by taking time out to look after herself and invest in her own mental and physical well-being, would have a huge knock-on effect to how she showed up in the family home.
We found a way of being able to start conversations with her husband that weren’t misunderstood or immediately putting him into a place of defence, but actually coming at it from a point of view of wanting to change and wanting to make the change together.
Within just a few weeks, they were learning to communicate better with each other and being able to sit down and actually work out together how to make things better.
The knock on effect for the children was immense as they were not only seeing mum and dad communicating more effectively together but they were seeing them parent as a united front two.
By the end of our work together, Jane was living a life that made her feel happy and fulfilled.
Her husband and her we’re not only talking together but starting to laugh together.
They were going out for walks together and had even started going on the occasional lunch date.
The tension around the dinner table has massively eased and the children are starting to open up to her a lot more and the general feel of the family was one of togetherness.
Together, we helped Jane to communicate in a completely different way so that she felt seen and heard by her husband and her children.
They were able to have conversations that, although difficult, found common ground and resolution that made them both happy.
Most importantly for her, she knew that her children were learning that although family life isn’t always easy, when we talk together and we commit to making things better together, everything is achievable.
If you would like to know more about how we can work together, I would love to speak with you for free, no pressure chat, book your call here
Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled
Contact:
Pascale Lane (MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk
Let me tell you about Joanne...
Joanne is a married mum with three children.
When she came to me she was looking for help to create a happier life for herself and her family.
On paper, her heart was full but in reality she felt desperately unhappy.
She wasn’t the wife she wanted to be, the mother she wanted to be or the daughter she wanted to be.
She was full of self-doubt.
In many ways, she felt like a child masked in an adult body.
She overreacted, had childish responses and although was doing so well in her professional and material world, deepdown felt like she didn’t know how to be a grown-up.
Issues from her childhood that hadn’t been healed were repeating themselves in her adult life, as a mother and as a wife.
She knew her triggers but she didn’t know how to manage them.
She saw her behaviours but she didn’t know how to correct them.
She heard her words but she didn’t know how to silence them.
She desperately wanted security… (She had all the security she needed but she just couldn’t see it or feel it).
She came to me because she knew I would be able to help her.
She knew I would be able to help her heal her wounds and to fully embody the fabulous woman that she was.
She wanted to be a calm and nurturing mother and wife and raise her children in a stable family environment.
She self-sabotaged by pushing it all away and then hated herself for doing so
We went right back to the beginning!
We did all that healing work that was necessary for her to leave her past behind her.
We set some goals of how she wanted life to be… No fancy cars or diamond rings.
What she wanted most was to feel loved… To feel secure… To be the wonderful mother and wife that she dreamed to be without all of the anxiety and frustration that came with it.
She dug deep… And when I say deep I mean she really did the work.
It wasn’t easy… Transformation work often requires us to face things that we don’t want to face… But in doing so she rose so wonderfully into the fabulous woman that she is.
We looked at coping strategies for managing stress, increased her self-esteem, gave her the confidence that was there but was hidden by her past experiences.
She learnt to have a voice!
Something she felt she had been lacking for so long… To understand her emotions and to communicate them effectively both with her husband, her children and her parents.
Joanne is an incredible testimony of what we can do when we really set a clear intention of what we want our life to look like.
When we are clear that something needs to change, even if we don’t know what or how.
She reached out to me because she knew that I was the person to help her.
She received therapeutic support, relationship support, life coaching and so much more.
Helping women like Joanne to shine and live the life they truly deserve is my thing
It’s what I love and it’s what I feel so passionately about.
When we embody person we are meant to be, everything falls into place.
We thrive and because we thrive everyone around us thrives too.
Have you joined the happy and fulfilled mums group yet? If not please do come over… We would love to see you there x
If you would like to know more about how you can live the life you truly deserve, I would love to speak to you.
Book a call with me here and let’s make 2022 your best year yet.
Pascale
About Pascale
Pascale Lane (MBACP) is a Therapeutic Relationship Coach based in Sutton, Surrey, where she lives with her husband and two young daughters. She has 20 years experience of working as a social worker and a counsellor and runs her own relationship coaching business You Fulfilled.
Read Local Mums reviews of You Fulfilled
Contact:
Pascale Lane (MBACP)
Founder
You Fulfilled
Tel: 07802 792097
Email: pascale@youfulfilled.co.uk
www.youfulfilled.co.uk